


Radar Technician Man

by QueenOfCarrotFlowers



Series: Archives of the Empire [2]
Category: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Gen, no snow universe, scruffy looking nerf herders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 19:12:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17188736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfCarrotFlowers/pseuds/QueenOfCarrotFlowers
Summary: A Day in the Life of a Secret Radar Technician





	Radar Technician Man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunbug1138](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbug1138/gifts).



> A Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder riff on [Monty Python's Bicycle Repair Man sketch](https://youtu.be/Tq_xTeWiv6I).

[HUX is narrating over a film that begins by panning up from just below the waist level of a masked Kylo Ren, dramatic music playing.]

HUX: This man is no ordinary man. This is Kylo Ren. To all appearances, he looks like just another First Order Sith-izen. [The camera pulls back to reveal Kylo walking around a starship where all of the people aboard are Knights of Ren. Various knights are force-lifting mundane objects or in various meditation poses. Kylo steps into a lift that is full of masked knights, some of whom are carrying gym bags, others briefcases. The camera zooms in on Kylo's face, looking almost smug.]

HUX: But Kylo Ren has a secret identity...when trouble strikes, at any time, at any place, he's ready to become... Matt the Radar Tech!

[A shot of a KNIGHT OF REN whistling as he walks down a corridor; a sudden spark on one side catches his eye as a radar relay shorts out. Suddenly, he is surrounded by vicious GONK DROIDS who knock him to the ground, kicking at him mercilessly, although their legs are too short to really kick him. A black-gloved hand raises up as if he were drowning, then sinks slowly.]

[A YOUNG KNIGHT OF REN comes running into the training room where Kylo and several other Knights are working out, and the YOUNG KNIGHT is out of breath.]

YOUNG KNIGHT: Hey! There's a radar relay out! On level 4!

[Several of the KNIGHTS look at each other in horrified helplessness, except for KYLO, who looks pensive.]

KYLO, to himself: Hmm! This sounds like a job for Matt the Radar Tech...but how to change without revealing my secret identity?

FIRST KNIGHT OF REN, to SECOND KNIGHT OF REN: If only Matt the Radar Tech were here!

SECOND KNIGHT: Oh yes!

KYLO, pantomiming a Force Hold: Wait! I think I know where I can find him! Look, over there!

[The two KNIGHTS OF REN obediently look away, and KYLO'S garb changes in a flash to the baggy grey jumpsuit and orange vest of a radar technician. He is wearing a blonde wig and thick-lensed glasses. MATT THE RADAR TECH takes off at a fast walk out of the training room. The two KNIGHTS OF REN look back, see him, and look at one another in disbelief.]

BOTH KNIGHTS OF REN: Matt the Radar Tech?! But HOW?!

[On his way to DECK FOUR, Matt passes three KNIGHTS OF REN who are busy washing a TIE fighter.]

FIRST KNIGHT OF REN, pointing at Matt: Oh look! Is it a communications intern?

SECOND KNIGHT OF REN: Is it a food safety inspector?

THIRD KNIGHT OF REN: Is it a sanitation worker?

ALL THREE KNIGHTS OF REN, shouting and gesturing in amazement: NO! IT'S MATT THE RADAR TECH!!

[MATT comes up to the scene with the GONK DROIDS circling the FALLEN KNIGHT, as menacingly as possible for rubbish bins on stubby legs. The FALLEN KNIGHT props himself up on one elbow, and gestures toward MATT.]

FALLEN KNIGHT: Matt the Radar Technician! Thank goodness you've come! Look! [FALLEN KNIGHT gestures around him at everything, then points to the smoking radar relay.]

[MATT surveys the scene, then holds up a hand to forestall further comment.]

DRAMATIC MUSIC plays, and a series of holocomic-style graphics pop up, each accompanied by a tense, dramatic chord, as a crowd of other KNIGHTS gather around to watch:  
[MATT squinting at the relay: EXAMINE!]  
[MATT scowling at the relay: INTIMIDATE!]  
[MATT, halfway underneath the panel: REWIRE!]  
[MATT, whacking it with a wrench: TINKER!]  
[MATT, as the lights on the deck flicker: CIRCUIT OVERLOAD!]

FIRST KNIGHT OF REN, with an exaggerated gesture: Why, he's mending it with his own hands!

SECOND KNIGHT OF REN, pointing stiffly: See how he uses a hydrospanner to tighten that calcinator!

[The lights stop flickering, and lights on the GONK DROIDS change from RED to GREEN. They shuffle off, making 'gonk' sounds. The FALLEN KNIGHT stands.]

FALLEN KNIGHT, pantomiming amazement: Oh, Matt the Radar Tech! How can I ever repay you?

MATT: No, you don't need to, uh, repay me. I ran into Kylo Ren in the washroom and he said it's ok. It's, uh, all in a day's work for Matt the Radar Technician.

THE KNIGHTS OF REN: Our hero!

[The film shows Matt's retreating back, and HUX begins the closing narration.]

HUX: Yes, wherever radar relays are broken or menaced by the loathsome Resistance, Matt the Radar Tech is ready! 

[Shot changes to Hux, sitting at a small tea table in full First Order uniform, a Matt the Radar Tech action figure in front of him.]

HUX: Ready to smash the Resistance, wipe them out, and remove their filth from the galaxy! [Hux becomes increasingly agitated.] MASH THE FILTHY REBEL SCUM! KICK EM IN THE TEETH WHERE IT HURTS! [HUX leaps out of his chair, fists clenched, and knocks the Matt the Radar Tech repair doll off of the table, sending it flying, along with pages of the script.] KILL! KILL! KILL! THE DIRTY BASTARD RESISTANCE, I HATE 'EM, I HATE EM! AARRGHH! AARRGHH! 

PHASMA, offscreen: Teatime, General.

HUX, immediately calmed, and smoothing his hair back into place with one hand: Coming, Captain.


End file.
